I’ve found myself considering the future a lot lately. I tend to do this when a big change is right around the corner…What bothers me most, I think, is that I find it impossible to pin down what I really want out of life, where I want to go, what I want to be. I almost feel like I’m rushing to meet some deadline. And then I inevitably consider my track thus far. A year ago, I was scrambling to make my Austin move happen. I was unemployed, had just received a staggering power bill, had gotten the OK from Environmental Corps: Austin, was trying to clean my single apartment, sell or give away as much crap as I could while trying to reconcile friends who really didn’t want to see each other but all wanted to see me before I left. A year later I’m doing much the same; scrambling on almost nothing, selling and giving away all of my crap, only I’m going 4x as far this time. I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m feeling much the same as I did then; it’s interesting in a reflective way. On my way to Austin I was scared I wouldn’t have the skills and experience required for the job, that I wouldn’t get along with people, that something unforseen would happen and I would screw it all up…And frankly it all came true. And I persevered; far better than I ever imagined. So I learned from my experiences and now I stand at the precipice of a new adventure, yet I haven’t retained any of my former confidence.
I guess it all comes down to simply being human; the unknowable future weighing heavily, and all that…Will I be skilled enough? Will I find what I want? Will I have the experience to see it through? The Taoist answer says that simply being is enough, which sounds like a non-answer, but really says that swimming with the flow will get you to where you ought to be. Which is why I like Taoism so much I guess.
I feel better having written this. I’m going to go do some PT now.
And on a completely unrelated note last night I watched Terminator 2 and 3 back to back and was blown away by how much the third one SUCKS. Merciful gods, the agony…Seriously. I can’t believe I stayed up till 1 am watching that crap.