Officially 26 years of age!


So today’s my birthday. I’m officially 26 years of age; closer to 50 than to my birth…And I can’t say I’m overly impressed…I want to write something profound, but the fact of the matter is, it’s just another birthday. Which is a sure sign of aging haha. I’m probably going to treat myself to some Thai and cake at the local restaurants here in Pukekhoe…Relax a bit. I sent off some gifts for the family which I’m sure they will love…Some good metta there.

I had a very curious meditation session on Monday morning. Sunday evening Venerable Johti Palo gave a Dhamma talk on Loving-Kindness (Metta) meditation, something we’ve been talking about for awhile, and something he suggested I try. So I decided it was past time Monday morning and gave it a go…According to his instruction, one first establishes a sort of chant; may ______ be happy, may _______ be safe, may _________ be well, may ________ be at ease…You first meditate on what these terms mean to you. What it feels like to be happy, to be safe, etc. And then you fill in the blanks. Starting with you, working your way to family, friends, every person, and then all beings. So I did the above. Interestingly, I had no problems at all maintaining concentration; not sure if it’s the newness of the meditation or just the fact that it’s more a contemplation than simply watching what arises, but I fell right into a deep state of concentration that I’ve only experienced a few times with breath meditation. You’ll have to bear with me because it’s hard to describe, but when I enter the state, which usually takes a half hour of breath meditation, but only took 15 minutes of metta-meditation, I feel…Expansive. I feel my body but I feel more than corporeal. It’s nothing like I’d imagine out-of-body experiences, however. I just feel "bigger." Note that I’m deliberately avoiding saying "connected to something GREATER than myself…" But what was MORE interesting was that I had an entirely new sensation occur in my meditation; for the last few minutes after my session of expansiveness, I shrank back into myself. It felt like a dream of falling; you all know the sensation. Only there was also a distinct feeling of…Pulsing…Waving. The only way I can describe it is with a visual; like the heat shimmer of a hot road. That sight is what I felt like, if you can understand what I’m saying. It was a neutral sensation, not positive, no shimmering ball of light, nor negative, though I was aware I had to consciously maintain my balance (when I was expansive I sat still with no effort). I talked with Venerable Johti Palo about it immediately afterwards and he was very curious and had a lot of good points to make that I won’t go into full detail here because I want to touch on something else…But I’m a bit hesitant to try it again and haven’t since then.

Called the folks again this morning and informed my stepfather that I did indeed know about Mom having breast cancer and asking (demanding, really) more information. He was…Exactly as I knew he’d be, honestly. Helpful and honest, yet vaguely critical of my choice in actions…He let me know all that he knew about her condition, which was little more than I did, surprisingly. He was just as surprised when Mom started acting loopy after her medications kicked in and was a bit irritated (understandably) that the doctors didn’t predict as much. He was also adamant that I stop accepting "I’m fine" for an answer and press Mom for more information, yet remained a party to the conspiracy in keeping the whole thing hidden from me. In MY mind, I see that as sitting on both sides of the fence; he has NO moral basis for criticizing my decision to go along with THEIR game. But I recognize that I’m probably reading far into a situation I’m physically removed from AND to make a huge deal out of the whole lie-thing would only add fuel to the fire, and that just doesn’t need to happen. Not when nurses and doctors are coming in and out, and he’s working so hard to care for Mom. And, I think he’s doing his best to handle this situation, and is doing so very well…So I remain supportive and am trying not to make this about me. But there’s been underlying tension between us every so often…If he starts pointing fingers I won’t back down.

And now I’m off to find some tasty Thai! Maybe a Pad Thai lunch special…Even though that’s what I always get…

Categories: meditation, UncategorizedTags: ,

5 comments

  1. A quick note before I read the rest: I was waiting until tomorrow to wish you a happy birthday, because it’s not your birthday yet here in the US.

    So, I forgot about that whole “being ahead in time” thing. Happy birthday, Earl!

    Oh, also, does this mean when you come back to the US, my “Time Traveler” scenarios come into affect? Good luck!

  2. Okay, now that I’ve read everything:

    1. I know the wave-feeling you’re talking about. I’d love to hear what Venerable Johti Palo had to say about it whenever you have some time to expound, if you don’t mind. It’s something I’ve touched on in the past in my own meanderings of the mind.

    2. I agree with you that what your step-father did (keeping you in the dark, then demanding that you go with whatever his plan is) was straddling a fence or two. You’re probably right not to make a big deal out of it, but do what you do, and don’t let others push you.

    3. Pad Thai sounds tasty.

  3. The metta meditation you underwent, must be something amazing. Its in the book you told me to get, I read it, but because I could not truthfully complete the part about enemies and had given up on world and self deceit, I have declared myself untrained and am waiting for when I can say it and mean it too.

    I did not know about your mom having cancer. I remember her, smiling, each time I went over your place, she is very very nice.. this is sad news indeed. I know you’d say one should try and keep judgment inducing feelings of fairness out of such things, but this just really sucks. I’ll remember her the next time I sit.

  4. 1) Happy belated birthday!

    2) Sorry about your mother, hope things turn for the better.

    3) I’m going to send a link to your livejornal to someone I met at a festival a month (my god, it’s only been a month?!) ago. She’s 19 and has feelings somewhere between the “I’d love to just get out and do interesting things, wander around the world, volunteer for awesome causes, money be damned” and “I need to try to be responsible, save for the future, bla bla bla”. So I told her about you, and now I have to go back and find that post where you wrote about how you loved doing what your doing, because you were proving to yourself that you COULD live like that, and it was very fulfilling. I think she’ll find reading a bit of this inspirational to go out and do her own thing as well, and I think she’d be great at it!

    There, hows that, you’ll be an inspiration to others 🙂

    You’re one of those people I’d love to suck into Rochester, just so I could have more kick-ass people around here, but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to punish you in such a way either!

    -tt

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