Well, it looks like J and I aren't happening for a bit after all. Which is sad, because I'm really tired of falling into the same patterns I always do. Every time I think "this time will be different," I end up sliding right back into my familiar orbit of long-distance pen-pal with the occasional flirtation with "what if?" For various reasons. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I also have to be true to myself and I just *can't* do this if there's a single doubt in my mind. Involving another human being in my life and not being sure of what I want is just too painful if I have to break up with someone and come to the realization that I was wrong about my goals. I did that before with Renzo and I felt horrible. And right now, I doubt whether I could return to the USA for a potentially dull job and living situation when I've the time and freedom to explore what it will take to make me *genuinely* happy.
…But what if I'm simply refusing to live for the same of some sort of "surety" that's entirely impossible? I've heard this said to me before and I can't disagree with this idea. But…I don't love lightly. I do what I can to avoid pain for my co-workers, no matter how much of an asshole they might be. So for a potential mate, well I step up my game appropriately. Which, in this case amounts to paralysing indecision. =.=
The reason I left the States was yes, to travel and see the world, but I chose this path because it's what I always wanted. Because whenever I had an idle moment slicing deli meat or mopping pond water off the floor or sweeping up animal feces, I dreamt "give me a backpack and a horizon and I'll find my own happiness adventuring somewhere in Asia." And so I made it. I've become the adventuring dilettante I'd always wanted to be. And now I know it's not enough, haha. So, I couldn't bear to return home without at least having a firm foot on the path to happiness. Or should I say, Happiness. Even for a man that knows me on a level few do and I've thought of as "the One" for a year or so now. Like, ass-kicking Matrix Reloaded "the One," not the third movie. That One was lame. =.=
I've always had faith that things will just "work out." And I still do, really. I've been an amazingly fortunate human being in a world of suffering. Sometimes…Usually…I think "but there's so many horrible things that happen to perfectly decent people; how can I entertain the idea that either I'm privileged or the Universe loves and looks out for humanity?" But I only have my own perspective to work on this, and I've never been given a problem that was beyond my ability to either overcome or set aside. So, I guess I still hope that I will find the answer. That it will just "work out." Though, for all of my musings sometimes I feel like they're worthless, y'know? I THOUGHT I was happier when I thought less about it. I definitely smile less than I did when I lived in New York. I used to think "I wish people would fear me, just a little. So tired of being the goofy push-over guy." And now when I talk to people and I see their sub-conscious tension…Because I've forgotten how to put on a smiley-mask every time I see a human being until they give me a reason to laugh..(it's true; I look rather grim, frankly) I think "what did I lose in this experience?" and it cuts into my self-esteem and confidence a little. Yet, it was still the right move, I know this. So, I won't waste this opportunity on easy beer and easy sex, modus operandi for pretty much the entire laowai community. Well, maybe the occasional easy beer. And even less occasional easy sex, which by the way is not easy when you really don't speak the language that well.
Middle Path and all, that. Still, I wish I could have the best of everything.
Going on vacation in three days! Sunny Haikou, here I come! I was going to Sanya, but the more I looked into it, the more I realized that if you don't want to just lie on the beach forever and spend tons of money on vastly overpriced food and shopping, it's going to be boring since that's all there is. Plus, coordinating travel from Haikou (the city I fly into) to Sanya, and then back in time for a morning flight out was getting annoying. So I had the brilliant idea to just simply stay in Haikou which is almost as nice, and has some pretty spots not too far away!
(PS: Weather forecast: Cloudy with a chance of thunder showers.)
And now I go to run. What a disjointed freaking post.