So I think I might be ready to resume life in the United States semi-permanently. Which is a big statement for me. Resume life, as in possibly back on the East Coast. Possibly back in Buffalo, NY. I've explored quite a bit and found some answers to some very important questions in my life. I had to know if what I spent my time daydreaming about behind retail counters in Buffalo was going to give me. I dreamed of backpacking across Asia, eating bugs in rainy jungle huts…Meditation and monasteries. Wracking my brain wrapping it around foreign languages and taking photos from cloud-topped mountains. And now I can say I've done these things. They made me happy. Very much so. But they don't make me Happy. That's not something I can find outside of myself. But at least now I know for sure; there's no doubt lingering anymore. So how to get Happy with a capital "H?" Well, I've started to outline the steps in my own life. I know spirituality plays a large role. And spirituality isn't limited to any one place on the planet save the human heart. I know love from without plays a large role. All the better to return to my friends and family, still getting on with their lives in the USA while I went nutso globe-trotting for a bit. I know love from within plays an even larger role. Still working on that one; the mind is a slippery devil.
But what would I do back in New York?…What if I get bored again? I don't want to be broke and living paycheck to paycheck again. I can live like a boss in China and not have to worry about cash or jobs; its actually pretty sweet when I'm not entirely tired of it. Where is that Middle Path, Siddhartha?
Am I going to wake up tomorrow morning and get excited about that job offer in Beihai, which was extended until February if I choose to return to China? Probably. This is what bothers me most of all. Going through a day having different opinions regarding love, sex, relationships, careers, locations and spirituality. I want CONSISTENCY. I used to think my ability to see and embrace so many different viewpoints was a strength of mine, and it is in some ways. But it extends to my very core and I think that's not too good since it means you're continually in self-doubt, not just in an argument but with yourself. I'm too cerebral, really. I can look at an idea or philosophy and say "hey, that sounds great." But then, I'll turn it around and around until I find a flaw, then zoom in on it, and eventually discard that idea for something else entirely. Rinse and repeat. With everything in my life that passes through my gray matter. This is the core issue and why I've moved so much in the past five years. Because I can't be satisfied and/or accept what I have and accept that there IS NO PERFECT SYSTEM.
Maybe one day, I'll know that in my heart, and not my mind.