This is your 32 year old self writing; I’m not sure if we’ve mastered chronological back-posting yet, however this letter is freshly blogged and ready for you when you do. You started your Livejournal on August 23rd, 2004 because one of your friends suggested you do so. Good idea; it turns out you’ve managed to chronicle nearly a third of your life in doing so!
Don’t worry, I’m not writing to tell you that you need to destroy Skynet before it’s too late. Besides, we both know it would just edit this post to say “Don’t worry, I’m not writing to tell you that you need to destroy Skynet before it’s too late.” So nothing to fear!..
I’m here to tell you you’re in for quite a ride. Spoiler alert: you get to do nearly everything you’ve spent your time daydreaming about. You do still sit at K&A Ponds as the desk manager, dreaming of owning a hobo stick and travelling the world, right? Oh wait, that’s not for another few months…Well, like I said, spoiler alert. When you do dream of trips across the US, learning new languages and living abroad, those things do in fact manifest. How exciting is it to know that nearly everything you’ll ever think to do, you will achieve? I really wish you’d broaden your goals a bit, because that checklist you’ll eventually write on scrap paper that I still have memorized? You’ll achieve 95% of them by age 30.
Learn a language? Check. Okay, maybe not a full check, but become capable in a self-taught manner, enough to travel alone in said country? Check.
Live at a monastery and learn kung-fu? Check, though you do both separately. The monastics at the monastery you live in do not, in fact, know kung-fu. But you do still get to learn some kung-fu, and get your ass kicked by a lifetime master in Nanjing, too! He punches you in the throat and you get to have a sore throat when you return to the USA in 2012, which makes for a fucking badass story as to why your voice is hoarse.
Live abroad? Checkcheckcheckcheck.
Get a boyfriend? Oops, was that out loud? Well, you hadn’t wrote “come out of the closet,” but we both know what a romantic you really are. Turns out, no one gives a shit, everyone’s super-supportive and your fears are the result of society’s impressions and religious guilt. Maybe my 42-year old self will write me to tell my 32-year old self that’s the result of ALL fears, and that there was never anything to fear. Only time will tell.
Ah…That’s actually it. Like I said, your list sucks. You also circumambulate the globe on a 2 week whirlwind trip, learn a bunch about meditation, really polish your photo skills, go on dates and have sex but never really make the boyfriend thing happen. There’s so much more, but I’d rather not spoil everything it for you.
I also came here to tell you to trust yourself. Trust yourself to make mistakes and trust yourself to learn from them. Trust your own good intentions and trust your own strength. Trust yourself to open your heart until it gets broken and trust it to heal. You spend a few years running from painful situations and people and close yourself off to a lot of opportunities for growth, too, because you get hurt quite a bit after you move out. It’s not going to be pleasant, but growth is only painful when you resist, when you cling to the blanket as it’s being torn from your grasp. Your security blanket is no armor and you need none. You are beautiful and I love you because I know what you want and what you do to reach for it. No one’s going to understand, nor will you for a very long time, and that in of itself is a beautiful thing.
Enjoy the ride ~ August 23rd, 2015