A Different Sort of Acceptance Letter


Dear Employer,

Congratulations! I’ve decided to work for you. This means you’ll be renting bandwidth on one of the most complex and incredible computing devices in the entire Universe! This brain of mine is the product of 4.6 billions years of evolution and has capacities so advanced the envelope continues to be pushed forward each year. It does millions of calculations a second, flawlessly renders my environment and splits my focus in a way that enables me to drive while texting without any danger whatsoever, and holds memories of 35 years of living.

In short, I’m vastly overqualified. Embarrassingly so. Your job is menial and frankly not something I care to spend my life doing. This one life that I have, full of infinite possibilities. Unless the Buddhists are right. Then I have infinite lives. But I’d still rather be doing other things with them…I mean, why would I sign a contract stating that I must be present during a majority of the day-lit hours of a week and give up precious time in my life to make you wealthy? Especially on days when I really want to sleep in, listen to the rain fall on the roof, drink coffee and pet a cat? Well, as it turns out, I like money because it’s useful. You have lots of it and I want it. So we have a certain synergy, if you will. A trade is possible. For now.

But never forget that you’re renting mental and spiritual bandwidth from me, because I won’t forget. Precious time that I’d much rather spend creating art and walking around on all the land that no one made yet has a price tag and “Private Property” signs all over it. Stealing from me, really. Life is infinitely precious; every hour, minute, and second I give you is completely irreplaceable yet has a quantifiable dollar amount paid by the hour! What a bargain you’re getting! How is it I’d stoop so low as this?

Unfortunately for me, I was born into a capitalist society that gauges the worth of an individual by the economic contribution he or she makes. No one asked and no one’s in charge but everyone’s too scared to question where the train’s headed and it’s moving fast. If I don’t make money and help keep the wheels turning then I don’t deserve the basic necessities of life.

Fortunately for you, the majority of people do forget that they’re renting out their lives and they don’t have to. But eventually, the joys we buy become ties that bind. Lawns need a lawnmower, after all.

So congratulations, employer! You can use my brain for awhile. Until I tire of you and decide I have enough paper to do more interesting things. You can trick some people with a big pile of imaginary money into waiting until they’re 60 to start doing what they enjoy but I think that’s stupid. I’ll see you in the morning!

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4 comments

  1. Absolute perfection.

    I’m 46 and I totally feel ya and hear ya. So tired of this work crap. And God forbid ya get sick. Better still come in else you lose a point. And you get 3 points a year. Use em up and, in the immortal words of WWE’s Mr. McMahon, “You’re FIRED!”

    Because all illnesses should only last one day. We are robots who best show up no matter the fever had, and whose value is worth a certain amount of paper. I’m worth ten papers an hour. The VP of the factory is worth 50k papers a year. If one is a lesser robot, they are allowed 7 and a quarter papers. And the Higher Ups will indeed take a big percentage of that paper, leaving us with far less paper.

    I hate money.
    I hate working.
    We need a better system all around from Healthcare (USA) to college tuition to job pay.

    We all bleed red and all die.
    Yet some are worth a million papers a year and others are worth 15000 papers a year.

    • Somehow, it’s like we’ve all forgotten that we’re the ones who make the world the way it is. The vast majority are vaguely/critically unhappy yet there’s this sense of “well, it’s all just so COMPLICATED!” So everyone shrugs and keeps on working because that’s what you do.

      One day, that world of art and exploration as a human priority will come to be (unless we’re all dead), but I don’t think I’ll be alive to see it. It’s so sad; when I talk to people, literally everyone wants to spend their lives a.) making art b.) loving their family and friends and c.) exploring. Yet our work culture milks us dry, consumer culture coerce us to buy, and both have us living for the weekends. “Oh, but one day, you’ll have enough papers to retire! You’ll be broken, sick, mentally infirm, and in a solid habitual rut…But you’ll definitely be able to enjoy your life then!”

      …Fuck the papers.

  2. It’s kinda weird that everyone has to work JUST to be able to pay the rent and put food on the table, above anything else (let alone be able to afford things linked to hobbies and the time and energy to do them). Even getting a job in this day and age is a job in itself since you have to jump through lots of hoops just to be able to get it, only to realise that it isn’t worth your time sooner or later once you’ve actually got the job.

    Because why yes, I’d LOVE to spend a decent majority of my life working for this company only to be paid the minimum wage (or less, if the company is really stingy) just to survive. Why yes I’d love to give up this wonderful personality of mine just to speak and act like a robot that has to fit in to avoid being fired. I’d LOVE to focus on the same repetitive tasks with no actual outcomes despite the fact that I’m a natural multi-tasker that will probably end up drawing on a really important document that shouldn’t be drawn on. Why, I’d love to put my well-being on the line for a job that’ll fire me and replace me soon anyway.

    It’s all BS. You’re forced to fit in, even if you don’t want to (even if you find fitting in weirder than standing out and being an individual), and interviews are weird in their own right as it is (you have to fake your enthusiasm for the role and I can’t fake my feelings, I doubt anyone can). You’re forced to show up, even if you’re not feeling up to it. You end up burning out by working as hard and as fast as you can only to disappoint the boss even though you did your best. And this is why I’ve always wanted to be my own boss so that I can work whenever I want, and I don’t have to fake professionalism just to be able to get a job and have some money in the bank.

    • It IS BS. It’s meant to keep us domesticated and tied to the system. Instead of dropping out as a viable option, your options are work or starve because everything is subservient to economics, even the land we walk on and carbon taxes and pollution credits on the air we breathe. No escape.

      The worst part of the interview processes is how degrading it is, something I tried to capture in my post. As if I’m the one priviledged to be working for them. Mmm…No, you need to tell me why I should be spending my time doing menial tasks I care nothing about. I’m going to die one day and the last thing I want to do is think about how great I was at moving widgets.

      Every day, I wake up wondering if I’m ready to get a real job again and then I read posts like yours and remember how much I hate trying to fit in. I hope you manage to channel your ideas into something amazing; I think it’s the square pegs that have the best chance of breaking away (somewhat).

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