Congratulations! I’ve decided to work for you. This means you’ll be renting bandwidth on one of the most complex and incredible computing devices in the entire Universe! This brain of mine is the product of 4.6 billions years of evolution and has capacities so advanced the envelope continues to be pushed forward each year. It does millions of calculations a second, flawlessly renders my environment and splits my focus in a way that enables me to drive while texting without any danger whatsoever, and holds memories of 35 years of living.
In short, I’m vastly overqualified. Embarrassingly so. Your job is menial and frankly not something I care to spend my life doing. This one life that I have, full of infinite possibilities. Unless the Buddhists are right. Then I have infinite lives. But I’d still rather be doing other things with them…I mean, why would I sign a contract stating that I must be present during a majority of the day-lit hours of a week and give up precious time in my life to make you wealthy? Especially on days when I really want to sleep in, listen to the rain fall on the roof, drink coffee and pet a cat? Well, as it turns out, I like money because it’s useful. You have lots of it and I want it. So we have a certain synergy, if you will. A trade is possible. For now.
But never forget that you’re renting mental and spiritual bandwidth from me, because I won’t forget. Precious time that I’d much rather spend creating art and walking around on all the land that no one made yet has a price tag and “Private Property” signs all over it. Stealing from me, really. Life is infinitely precious; every hour, minute, and second I give you is completely irreplaceable yet has a quantifiable dollar amount paid by the hour! What a bargain you’re getting! How is it I’d stoop so low as this?
Unfortunately for me, I was born into a capitalist society that gauges the worth of an individual by the economic contribution he or she makes. No one asked and no one’s in charge but everyone’s too scared to question where the train’s headed and it’s moving fast. If I don’t make money and help keep the wheels turning then I don’t deserve the basic necessities of life.
Fortunately for you, the majority of people do forget that they’re renting out their lives and they don’t have to. But eventually, the joys we buy become ties that bind. Lawns need a lawnmower, after all.
So congratulations, employer! You can use my brain for awhile. Until I tire of you and decide I have enough paper to do more interesting things. You can trick some people with a big pile of imaginary money into waiting until they’re 60 to start doing what they enjoy but I think that’s stupid. I’ll see you in the morning!
A Different Sort of Acceptance Letter