As the title states.
I’ve had the WordPress window open for a few days now on my browser. I keep wanting to write but not entirely certain what to put down, even now. It’s something of a challenge because my blog is as much my diary as it is where I share my art so sometimes I want to censor what’s going on in my life, lest I scare folks off.
But what is an ayahuasca ceremony for, if not self-reflection, discovery, transformation, and healing..? Which means that there’s woundedness that needs expression and attention.
It’s been a difficult couple of days for me since I returned to Taipei from Tokyo. I think being back here keeps triggering old emotions inside of me. I lived in Taiwan for 8 months back in 2014 and was here for a month earlier in June. The sense of being back where I was always makes me melancholy somehow – as if there’s a thin haze of past depression that I start inhaling once again.
I keep thinking about the ceremony and what ifs. What if nothing happens? What if something happens and it’s unpleasant? I’m constantly cautioned to moderate my expectations. But I can’t not want transformation and healing, either. The ability to step forward and start living my dreams in ways I’ve tried and failed to reach in the past due to anxiety and depression. A miracle cure for all of it because I’m tired of trying to navigate and make sense out of it all.
I saw my friend Gavin yesterday. One thing I love about him is his love for magic and whimsey in life. As a writer, merging spirituality and fable is one of his talents. So when I started expressing some of the doubts people’s accounts have seeded in my mind, he threw them right out and primed me for the possibility of something magical.
So what do I want? I want to drink the noxious brown tea, trip my balls off, and wake up with a renewed sense of connection with people. As I stand, being with people ranges from a neutral experience to a constant flow of anxious thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that keeps me from ever enjoying their company, despite desperately needing that as a social being. Social anxiety is being allergic to water. Eventually you’re going to take a drink but odds are you’re going to throw up. Through years of meditation, therapy, and gritting my teeth, I’ve come to grasp the “why” of much of it.
But what should logically come next, the “how” to move through it, seems to elude me, making it that much more painful. Because seeing yourself think and act contrary to your own values in such a powerful way is…Soul-crushing. There’s no other way of putting it.
I have 15 years of notes on my life here on this blog, nearly half of my life. And there’s 15 years of reaching for a goal, a dream, an aspiration, and then falling short. Of tears, disappointment, and eventually departing because I couldn’t keep hold of who I wanted to be.
If I could heal that deep emotional trauma and come back into the world with the compassion and understanding of how mental patterns work from my years of exploration…What a life I could weave. I get teary-eyed just thinking of what I could do.
I also get teary-eyed thinking of coming back to report that ayahuasca was just a disgusting, overpriced drink with nothing to offer. Despite coming forward as a seeker truly wanting to understand himself better. Wanting to at the very least know “which direction should I be walking in? Give me a signpost and I’ll cut the trail, but right now, I’m in a thicket, my compass is cracked, and no one’s picking up the phone.”
If you won’t heal me, aya, then show me what I need to heal. Should I be focusing on a body-based approach, like yoga? Breathing meditation? Talk therapy? Jump back into exposure methods? Explore psychedelics further? Or just say “fuck it,” and embrace being a hermit fully because this is just who I am meant to be?
Point me in the right direction and I’ll do the rest.